bye bye college life!

 there i have it, i am no longer succumbed to the arbitrary unscrupulous power and authority of ___. there i said it, i have enough of their loopholes, their lack of rectitude in whatever they do. i am convalescing from a sickness within the heart that i was not aware back in new york. somedays, i think i am not cut from the same piece of fabric. and i am (or was i?) a hot-headed girl, with a temper to kick but some days, the anger & the fire within seems to have simmered - not because it has been necessarily downed and dumped under by the pragmatics of the world - but it has evolved into a cool-headed kind of simmer; a laissez-faire and a fuck you to the system. i may seem like a waif, harmless and doe-eyed, but i am so exhausted and sick of being bullied for my visage and unassuming naïveté. i am gimlet-eyed enough to cut through the bushes and thorns of bullshit - the absurdity, the careless and mendacious way in which they abused their power, to psychologically & mentally bully us mere students, undergraduates helpless and delirious to graduate from this holed up place. what a nice way to round off my semester in university.

while reading bertrand russell’s essays & hong bee lim’s autobiography, i get so green and sick with envy on how much they genuinely and passionately extol the virtues of studying in cambridge, where those years in the academic bubble was their heaven. the formative years and schooling years of ‘infinite delight’ and how much my undergraduate education pales in fire to theirs. i am empathetic over the fact and am partly a product of self-education, the skills i have learnt a product of non-academic pursuits but i long for those ideals of being nested in a sequestered ivory tower. it doesn’t even have to be a cambridge but somewhere far away from the iron-wrought claws. funny how the spark and interest in politics saw me combing through articles on american politics, to discussing with Y on american political thought and the electoral process. this coming from me is a shocker because i dare say if you question few months ago! me on my interest in politics, i would have sneered and casually laughed it off with the sentiments of “too apathetic to give af” but there you go, a sudden 360 degree transformation. it might have been my history & biography module that have moulded these sensibilities but maybe somewhere deep within, i had always had a shaping beliefs and values that saw no outlet in the political spheres but only in the literary spheres. slow down, child. you are still but a child and learning so much about the world everyday. it’s an oyster and its people can scare you with their empty hearts and souls but you gotta learn how to fight off the demons that tries to silence your heart and voice and doors. slow down, there’s still much time. stop panicking. slow down and enjoy ma. you said you would.