SEM 2. Stop dreaming and start living

 

P.S Scanner is shitty, I couldn't get the prints of Van Gogh's art in its full brillance. Remind me to get a new one soon

"Now, if you can forgive someone for immersing himself in pictures, perhaps you will also grant that the love of books is as sacred as that of Rembrandt, indeed, I believe that the two complement each other....And I think that Kent, a character in Shakespeare's King Lear, is as noble and distinguished a man as that figure by Th. de Keyser though Kent and King Lear are reputed to have lived much earlier.  Let me stop there, but my God, how beautiful Shakespeare is, who else is as mysterious as he is; his language and method are like a brush trembling with excitement and ecstasy. But one must learn to read, just as one must learn to see and learn to live."

— Vincent Van Gogh

I have been meaning to practice my drawing and writing and trying to follow a drawing regime that accompanies my university schedule - on Week 1 now.  But say, it is starting to turn into a massive flop even before it has begun. I ought to discipline myself - this is bad, I have no discipline. I mean yes, I really not like local university because there is a grand emphasis on grades instead of learning (I do like learning); it is chipping and eating away my time for everything else but my abysmal CAP is demanding and shouting for me to save it from the watery depths of hell. Metaphorical hyperbola but frankly speaking my CAP is really bad, not like MY_CAP_ISSH_BAD 3.9 kind of bad, and if I don't do anything and let it deteriorate, I might get expelled or something 

Okay, discipline discipline and anyway I was reading Sylvia Plath's Journals (okay, I actually read it long ago but I occasionally re-read her entries) (On another note for myself, refer to Back to School Commandments when in doubt, depressed or stressed) and Vincent Van Gogh's Letters*. I am still in awe and admiration at their tenacity and diligence when it comes to the craft and passion they have pursued. I want to be as determined and disciplined as them. Draw, draw, draw and write, write and write.

1. FIGURE DRAWING STUDIES - omg should get back on learning perspective and figure drawing. "Drawing is the foundation for all art." "Drawing is the foundation for all art." "Drawing is the foundation for all art." "Drawing is the foundation for all art."
2. Patience, patience and patience. Look at my owl drawing, my impatience has kind of made me screwed it up. With art, writing, football and life. I am too impatient. 
3. I have been meaning to write about Vincent Van Gogh. I confess, I have been reading art books about him, his letters and biographies on him and he is an amazing and fascinating man. Sometimes, I get carried away with reading author's and artist's celebrities, or maybe I just have a thing for sensitive souls (Lookie at the pattern of suicidal, depressed people)
4. "It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done.” - Van Gogh

e return

One and a half week has passed in a blur. Within the time span, I have gone on a corporate shoot, learnt new things (hopefully), had a medical check up, dulled and wished my weekends away playing Sims 3, went to Jia Aili's Seeker of Hope in Singapore Art Museum - which I proceeded to lavish and stand in awe at his oil paintings and then mope over my pathetic existence.

Untitled (2010 - 2012) 

The nights are a blur. I stand under the blanketed night sky, the stars punctuating and glaring at the infinite, slippery spaces between my mind. Her glare and light, a harsh reminder of my belittlement and her grandeur. I am incomparable and insignificant. I am a nothing in her vastness. 

寻找光的探者. Seeker of Hope. I fear the English translation is at best, clumsy and flimsy for it fails to incorporate the nuances of the Chinese character "光". 光 means light but it is more than that. As much as I love the English language in all its glory, simplicity and darling beauty, it can never attempt to flesh out the layered flavours and nuances of Mandarin. For a Chinese, my command of Mandarin is terribly poor (I like to blame the robotic and education system in stripping my enthusiasm and love for the language when I was a kid but as much weight and truth they hold, they are merely excuses) but I appreciate the poetic and visual beauty of the language. 

天, sky. 

Do you know why it is written as such? It is actually an amalgamation of the Chinese character big and one or a vertical line - to represent the expansiveness of the sky. Infinity.

光 in literal terms means light but it is more than light, representing hope.The art pieces and title encapsulates the essence of hope, the mystery of light and the vain and almost futile desire of the seeker. It contains the perfect paradox - the seeker's beaming hopes in fulfilling his seeming quest and search for his purpose but his held knowledge that this search is arduous and never ending for we have no true purpose in life. The quest or life is ironically a meaningless and empty struggle for meaning. 

It is.

Infinity - expansive space, millions of stars, dead and blown. We are the stardust living on stolen, misplaced time, long gone and forgotten from light years.

Sometimes, I get these thoughts bubbling in my head and I grasp and try to hold on to the flits and passing of any purpose and meaning. I put meanings into my actions, trying my best to justify the worth in my actions and existence. But at the end of the day, I am alone and terrified. After all, we live on stolen lives and time.

Maybe, that's why I feel so much for his works. I am also a seeker, 探者, seeking for my light. I hope wherever I go, I can find and carve my meaning.

Advices for the struggling student: 

Super Obvious Secrets that I wished they teach in Art School, 

A concise guide on how to get better at Art,

Perils

I am in a bit of a rut.

First and foremost, I have no desire to attend art school to pursue my ambition. Secondly, I am absolutely certain and convicted with the notion of pursuing a career in the arts and career industries. But I struggle with the uncertainty of the craft I should pursue. I love most art forms with gushing adulation and admiration but the act of choosing A craft makes it horribly limiting.

When I grow up, I want to direct a feature film, write a fantasy fiction book, direct an animated feature, publish my graphic novels and comics etc. I want to pursue so many artistic pursuits but I am horrendously limited in terms of the level of my craft, my tools. For I fear and am fully aware that my craft and technique are inadequate in fulfilling my vision.

Previously, I shared the inevitable, slippery and fearful path that would occur when I tread the path of an amateur artist. In a sense, I was able to resolve those fears, then. But today, 3rd July 2012, and the past five days, I have been enveloped with an insidious form of listlessness and restlessness. I have little desire and motivation to improve my craft. It's as if the motivation and emotions you see in yesteryears have dissolved into voidness. Replaced with a daunting lethargy. Worst, I do not have a structure and environment such as an art school to propel and to encourage me. So this lethargy is laced with plenty of internal guilt tripping,  copious amount of self deprecating thoughts and an endless listlessness. 


Maybe, I just need a week's break. I want to create and micro-manage my world in Sims 3 and Sims 2. I want to watch all the TV shows and movies I have missed and to read all the books that are sprawled and lying on my floor.

I want to relax and take a breather but I am Terrified of doing so.