growing a heart like You

in this season of trying to get better and to heal, i had vowed to journal and reflect more; to concrete the (im)temporality of the season and its little moments. i busied myself endlessly to evacuate the pain, fury & the inconsolable sadness and/or betrayal I had felt deeply in the first week of 2019. the end of 2018 and start of new year melded into a blur. i had let the days and immeasurable anxiety and pain gradually slip through my hands like coarse sand. some days, it comes back and in passé – like torrential waves that comes and goes – it feels as if it unbinds and washes all the emotional healing and journey that was done.  baby steps under my guidance, He says. 1 step backward but 5 steps forward, it’s still an improvement. I tell myself that every step forward brings me further & every day, I am learning to love Him and the person I am supposed to become through His strength.

my thoughts are a mess – it comes in spurts and dissolves fast, it leaps & sputters into a heave; a punctuated exclamation and then a full stop.  they manifest as a mess and they don’t make sense but I find that having this moment of contemplation, and this act of writing (typing?) forces me into a conversation with my mind. slow down, make sense of them and let it unravel meaningfully. conversations with close friends illuminate aspects of me that I never knew & makes me feel present and bonded in those moments.

moments I would like to note down:
(in case I ever forgot the sacredness or special-ness of those moments):

•  sitting on the grass next to west coast pier beside YY, watching and listening to the rocking of boats & waters in quiet, tranquil companionship – our hearts and minds unraveling. before we knew it, the dark of the night crept in and 3 hours flew by. it was special because I don’t have many friends who would sit back next to water bodies and be soothed and calmed by it. we used to creep into the corner of siloso beach to sit by the sands. to be caressed by the sea breeze and to feel the weight of the world dissolves into sands and its passing waves – I would never trade it for anything. even the rare few moments of sitting by the beach with M felt ultra-sacred even if having to think about him still slightly affects me now & then.
• having hurried but meaningful conversations about faith with Worm over a sickeningly sweet salted popcorn ice cream in Lavender’s Macdonald. on hindsight, the sweetness of the ice cream would continue to linger in my mind as an aftertaste.
• JK’s soft, empathetic eyes & the like-minded pain that he conveys while I walk him to Clementi MRT. and when JK writes, “it’s important tat the worlds overlap. yours overlap only in as much as your affections for each other.” it saddens me that our inner and external worlds rarely overlaps as much as i wanted to believe that it did. perhaps, that is why i felt like i grew the most when we are separated, during 1 year LDR and now.
• chatting with HN & realizing that our worlds had always overlapped - maybe its the hunger to experience the vagaries and shades of life.
• the softness & vulnerability in (people)’s eyes
• rediscovering my love for painting? the smell of turpentine, the greasy smudge of oil and its gentle swish and malleable blending of pigments quietens my racing thoughts.

its nearing April. last year, i had felt increasingly restless and listless such that i had tried out classpass and various exercise classes in hopes of finding something I could work towards. but the pursuit was in vain and i had thought my need to escape was one of whims. so grateful and thankful to Him for leading me and for resolving the restlessness within, partially. i know i am a stubborn and obstinate child, greedy to experience all shades and tones of life for vincent van gogh once said, “I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things.” and in many ways, that still holds true for me but in this season of my life, i vow to be contented with whatever happiness and grace i am given - to not take these bearings lightly and to hold them dearly. for in this season, i found a sports i could love again - touch rugby. i fervently missed the feeling of playing competitive soccer, of having the glory of growing & winning together as a team. the end of the touch league is nearing. i feel a twinge of sadness but then again, this isn’t a closed chapter but a work in progress.

i am incredibly thankful to You for leading me through the storms, for sending angels and for breathing back life & faith into my heart. last year, I had felt so numb and so cold, so distant from You and from everything else. life felt like monotony, clockwork. but thank You for not forsaking me; for bringing me back into Your embrace. this season is a a season of preparation and growth & i am sorry for being such a strong-willed & reckless child, for believing that my life is solely up to my control. i promise and commit to surrender my will to You, to keep pursuing and knowing You in all varying facets. i resolve and commit to be supple, accepting and tender hearted to Your grace, to be shaped by You & to extend this light and growth i feel within outwards. ❤️