slips to fall /

09/06/2015 

 i always thought i hated the beaches. but maybe what i merely hated - under the blazing singapore sun and her crowd - was its unnaturalness. its fan farce and its falseness. always the intrepidness of its unnaturalness.

 of its sands and water; gathered and coagulated by machines.

 of its waves; mere and weak, absent of nature’s passion.

 i like the serenity of the beaches here. to sit by the beach and ocean, and to watch the waves and its torrid, jarred ebbs and flows, crescendo into a cacophony. i like its paradoxical intensity and calm. 

10/02/2015 

on sunday, i sat on the grassy muddy hills of chattahoochee hills and teared. i was afflicted with an intense atmosphere of surreal and nostalgic homesick; the kind of homesickness that isn’t delineated by geographical boundaries but a waspy want for the steaming hot congee, for the company of friends. i wanted to go back to new york, to singapore, to malaysia; it didn’t matter where it was. i just wanted to go back to somewhere that felt like it was home.

 i get so awkward with new people. and i dont know how to hold a conversation. i hold conversations like i hold water in my palms. people and words slip away from me. i remember the time lord, and the doctor; that finale, his overwhelming sense of eerie and omen of what’s to come - goodbye and farewells. somedays, i am scared. i might lose all my friendships. distance doesn’t make the heart fonder, it makes it colder and staler. and than i get angry. angry at the mismatched in time. somedays i wish for the gift of time travel. but then i remember the time lord with his gift / curse of time travel is still as lonely, as alone.

 alain de botton mentions “I” in 'on love' - its fluidity and identity built on self referential to others. the “I” seemingly singular but never alone; always a mirror of other selves, of the bridge between what others think v.s. what “I” think. i never thought i would like porter robinson. the shoegaze, dreampop and psychedelic variant. it makes me forgot. i like how the music makes me escape into another world.