DEMARCATEDD

"When we grow up, our heart dies."
The Breakfast Club

The quote guided me through the angst of my early teenage life. I would love to pepper and elaborate on the effects of film and literature and its expansive influence on my brief life and subsequently, diverge from the main issue that I am going to address. I see it as my defensive mechanism from addressing the realities of the issues and the underlying emotions and frustrations. [1] But as much as I appear to be devoid of emotions, cold and 'out of the human realm' , I actually suffer from an insidious form of self-deception or denial. I am able to subconsciously rationalize and justify my own state of my mind and my actions such that I am able to perfectly convince myself that I am not suffering emotionally. [2] [3]

However, that is not the point of the quote. The message of the quote and its influence was that adulthood will break your heart, society will suppress your passions and pressurize you into conformity. The message still rings true even as I am eighteen and slowly coming into contact with the real world. However, what has changed was my perceptions with regards to the quote. The plethora of cynical films that exposed me to the dangers of the adult world, the sinister nature of humans and the depressing, pessimistic notions that adulthood was dull, sickly and flawed pushed me to the other extreme. The pervading sickness and harshness of adulthood made me gravitate to the idea of Neverland. I wanted to be my Peter Pan in his Neverland, forever a child, forever naive, beautiful and holding my untainted, throbbing heart. I vehemently believed in that idea, lavished over it and tried with all my might to make it true. Unbeknownst to me, the plethora of films and literature I watched and read made me grow up. Ironically, they made me accept reality.

What indefinitely tore me apart and ripped my fatuous and constrained beliefs was Bridge to Teribithia. I wished I could elaborate on the profundity of her impact. Suffice to say, it changed me and funnily enough, at the end of the film, I felt I became one with Jess. He was the embodiment of myself - denying the reality of the situation and then the gradual and reluctant acceptance. Leslie held another piece of me and her death was so poignant, so real and raw that I became Jess. Fifteen I was, I too denied the reality of her death - fervently wishing and hoping that the film director was pulling my leg and would somehow pull a cliché and tell his audience that Leslie Burkes survived and was slowly recovering in the hospital. Like Jess, we believed in anything just to avoid the reality of her death. But the climax shredded our delusions and made me slowly come to terms with the harsh reality. By then, I was dishevelled, sobbing from the bottom of my heart.

Now, as I write this, I am eighteen and I have accepted the idea of growing up. I have realized that I may not be able to keep my heart as vestal and pure as what I envisaged it to be - a beautiful, imaginative child's heart and mind, untainted by suggestions of adults and reality. But I could try in other ways, I could still continue to keep that childlike naivety, that unadulterated passion and its flames alive.

My heart will not die because I will keep it alive burning with the sustenance of life and passions. And a blazing flame does no good without care and concern, without thought. An untamed fire becomes a hazard, burns and recklessly destroys what lies in front. Similarly, a person driven with a passionate heart is reckless and brash if it does not considers and reflects on their actions. A burning flame, only when controlled by his thoughts (planned, prepared for the future) is then useful. Say a controlled fire such as a stove's fire is significantly useful to everyday life.

I have always used to feel helpless over my circumstances and myself. I have these lofty ideals, these overwhelming passions and yet my inconsequential existence, my inability to do anything renders me useless and pessimistic. However, I am set to change this. I will harness my mind with thoughts such that I will become a man of action and consequently would have the tools (the consequences of my actions) to achieve and meet my expectations and visions.

I have been reading on the philosophy of drawing, the struggles of a creative and even though, I am already one third through my symbolic quest, I will begin to immerse myself in the studies and in achieving the technicality of art. I must begin to fiercely embark on anatomy studies, colour theory and in understanding and mastering the foundations of art. The road is going to be tedious, hard and mentally frustrating but I will achieve what I set out to do. Moreover, these studies would greatly enhance and enrich my choice of film art directing.

I am terribly afraid of what lies in store for me.

I will take a step at a time.

"I thought growing up was something that happened automatically as you got older. But it turns out it's something you have to choose to do."

Scrubs

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1. Self-deception and how it has affected me: 'Hello Audrey Hepburn' 
2. Self-deception, Wikipedia
3. To write a future journal log on the human and thought experiments I used or will put myself through, On being my own guinea pig

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